Every season we watch The Real Housewives and wonder… How the hell is this person still on the show? I bet you can name at least three or more, but I can name 16. I’ve watched The Real Housewives of every county, city and state since their inception and the formula still sticks. Like perfectly baked cookies, the recipe needs to be just right. One Neurotic Housewife (Vicki Gunvalson) + One Strong Anchor (Bethenny Frankel) + One Hot Mess (Kenya Moore), + One Housewife Who Pretends to Stay out of Drama (Lisa Vanderpump) = reality TV gold for a Real Housewives installment.
You also need to keep at least one OG castmember at all times to set the foundation for the show i.e. Vicki (Orange County), Ramona (NYC) and Teresa (New Jersey). All the rest is just fluff — and fluff doesn’t keep the ratings up. Fluff gets in the way of the serious drama, laughs, and debauchery that needs to happen in every episode to keep us, the viewers interested. As somewhat of a Real Housewives pundit, it’s my expert opinion that these ladies of the RH franchise need to be given the boot ASAP to keep the Bravo series going strong.
1. Meghan Edmonds, The Real Housewives of Orange County
Yay! Meghan had a baby! This is also considered the “kiss of death” in soap operas. That’s why so many babies on soap operas are “kidnapped” or “sent off to live with relatives”… because babies kill a storyline. Although Meghan’s baby, Aspen is adorable, it’s better to check out Meghan’s new mom-life with Instagram stories — rather than be forced to watch every Meghan scene on RHOOC co-starring someone who can’t even talk yet. Unless Baby Aspen puts her finger in a expensive tiered cake or lies about having chicken pox, then it’s time to retire Meghan until Aspen is at least old enough to cause drama.
2. Lydia McLaughlin, The Real Housewives of Orange County
I was actually excited for Lydia to come back this season because let’s face it, Orange County is dying on a vine. What was once the best Housewives show of all has literally taken a nosedive into last place. Lydia came right out of the gate with an alliance to Vicki (The OG of the OC) and is not sharing her fairy dust with anyone. She’s speaking her mind (with respect to the bible of course) and not being anyone’s doormat. However, the good girl that speaks her mind trope is getting old, and on every episode, she causes artificial drama that has viewers going, “WTF?” I think we could do better, Andy Cohen.
3. Peggy Sulahian, The Real Housewives of Orange County
It’s always hard to be the new girl and Peggy did her best. But unfortunately, this cast already has so much history and ongoing feuds that it’s hard for Peggy to just come in with her own storyline that we’ll care about. She is constantly being thrown into everyone else’s battles which makes her quite boring and just a pretty punching bag to bounce back and forth between housewives. Also, her cars are obnoxious.
4. Shannon Beador (temporarily while she gets her sh*t together), The Real Housewives of Orange County
Let’s give Shannon a pass. She’s been through a lot: cheating husband, broken friendship with Vicki, and the weight gain (also Vicki’s fault). But this season it seems like the girl is going through her terrible twos. She whines and cries all the time. Somebody give her a pacifier and a plastic baggie full of gluten-free Cheerios. She doesn’t need to be fired forever, just given a leave of absence so she can get her sh*t together.
Don’t get me wrong. We all like a hot mess on TV, but it’s got to be one we can actually enjoy and laugh at. This is just sad. Take a break, girl, and go do you for a minute.
5. Kelly Dodd, The Real Housewives of Orange County
Yes, another one who should bite the OC dust. Kelly Dodd is actually a good housewife for the franchise — tons of drama, booze-infused rages, and she uses the “C” word like it’s a friendly noun. But Kelly would be way better suited for The Real Housewives of New Jersey. In fact, if she doesn’t mind moving cross-country we would love to see her on that one.
She has that grit and blind rage that can fit well with the Teresas and Danielles of NJ. Now that she’s getting a divorce, the newly-single housewife can move to Jersey and stir up some West Coast trouble on the East Coast. I totally see her flipping a table or two and screaming, “Prostitution-Whore!”
6. Tinsley Mortimer, The Real Housewives of New York City
The cast of RHONY is near perfect that is why this past season was one of the greatest of all time. However, Tinsley also suffers from the Freshman Bore. Although her hair is on point, great lashes and her party dresses are ’80s debutante amazing, it’s not enough to keep up with the other phenomenal ladies. I mean, Sonja having a French lover and washing her lingerie in the bidet, Ramona flying off the handle vandalizing her friend’s home, Dorinda and her Clip-Clip rages, Luann marrying and then divorcing the biggest creeper in NYC, Bethenny plugging Skinnygirl in every scene while dealing with a psycho ex-husband, and Carol being the glue that keeps these girls together — how can a new girl possibly compete? It’s nearly impossible. She tried stirring up some Page Six drama, but that fizzled out like an open liter of Diet Coke. That’s why Tinsley and her mugshot need to go.
7. Porsha Williams, The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The great thing about RHOA is that the cast doesn’t fluctuate a lot, so you can have some real quality, drama-filled viewing time with these ladies. However, that also means that characters can get stale and they need to go to make room for some new dramatic blood. Enter: Porsha. Her bark is definitely bigger than her bite and she barks constantly. She’s like a chihuahua in a tutu who is yelping for attention, mostly by trying to get involved in everyone else’s drama. Love her reunion dresses though.
8. Sheree Whitfield, The Real Housewives of Atlanta
If there was any housewife who was a master at low-key stirring up drama, it’s Sheree. She’s like a gust of hot wind that blows a flame into a burning inferno. Then she just sits back and lets everyone else hash out the drama after she starts it. With all the big personalities on the show, especially now that Nene returned, she kind of fades into the sunset and not in a good way.
I miss the old Sheree from back in ’09, you know the girl from Cleveland who shouted obscenities so loud that veins were popping out of her neck. The whole Chateau Sheree was a bore and this season with her dating a convict — let’s hope she can finally get a storyline that’s worth telling.
9. Siggy Flicker, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The thing about New Jersey is that they are all crazy bitches, and I mean this in the nicest, most encouraging way ever. That also means there is no balance with the cast. They are all kind of the same. New Jersey doesn’t follow the same formula like most of the other Housewives shows. If one lady flips a table, so will another — and this is why this show needs a boost or else it will end up like Orange County.
Siggy is getting louder and more obnoxious on this season, which means she is getting more and more like Teresa, especially pre-prison Teresa. Teresa doesn’t need a clone. We need Dina and Caroline back to hash out some good old, clean sister drama. And we miss Mr. Wrinkles, too.
10. Melissa Gorga, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
When Melissa first made her debut on RHONJ, I was hoping it was only going to be a temporary thing. Now, one dance single, a trendy boutique, and an Italian restaurant later, I guess she’s in it for the long Housewives haul. Her constant bickering with Teresa is as stale as the day old bread I hope they’re not serving at their restaurant. It’s to the point where her only storylines have to do with Teresa and the rest are just a snoozefest — which I’m happy to keep sleeping through. Props to her for pooping at Dunkin Donuts though and never at her own mansion because she doesn’t want to let her husband know she is human and poops. MY GOD. THIS SHOW.
11. Kameron Westcott, The Real Housewives of Dallas
Is this housewife for real? She’s like a walking SNL spoof of Ivanka Trump. They coined her the real-life Elle Woods, but all she is is real-life annoying. She puts the ‘SUPER’ in superficial &mdashs; down to her teacup Yorkie named Louis Vuitton. All the housewives keep saying “Don’t let the dumb blonde girl act fool you.” I’m still waiting to be fooled, especially when she is starting her dog food line that her very own dog won’t even eat.
12. D’Andra Simmons, The Real Housewives of Dallas
I’m intrigued by her backstory and her parents who are quite the dynasty in Dallas. However, D’Andra has yet to step out and really sink her teeth into the Housewives of Dallas. Even though her pedigree is impressive, the other housewives outshine her, making her look like a dull diamond. Hence the still photo above, she’s not even interesting to make a GIF out of. She hangs around Kameron, her socialite equal, which is not a good look. Maybe she needs to have some of LeeAnne’s crazy rub off on her. Her hot husband can stay though.
13. Dorit Kemsley, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
You know when a housewife comes on screen and you’re like “I just can’t.” That’s how I feel about Dorit. Her possibly fake accent from 15 different countries makes me shake my head in what-the-f*ckery. Plus, nobody shames Erika Jayne, which she did with her whole Pantygate fiasco — her only claim to drama the whole season. Boy George cameos are much appreciated and I do love the rose gold Bentley. That’s all.
14. Eileen Davidson, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
I’m not saying I don’t ever want to see our girl, Eileen again… but I think it should be strictly on a guest-starring basis. She doesn’t need to be fulltime. She’s the soap star with a heart of gold and has grown so much as a housewife. But, she went from being too boring to last season, having quite the run-ins with Lisa and Dorit and then there was that awkward moment in Hong Kong with Erika Jayne “You don’t know what I go through!” — yikes!
Like I said, Eileen would be a great guest housewife. You know, like Camille Grammer and how Luann de Lesseps used to be on RHONY. Maybe we’ll get more swashbuckling moments with Eileen if she’s left slightly on the outside.
15. Monique Samuels, The Real Housewives of Potomac
Monique suffers from the same illness that some other Housewives suffer from and that is tackiness. She speaks of her wealth constantly — nauseatingly, in fact. Bravo does a great job of showing their sprawling mansions, sports cars, diamonds, and closets full of Louboutins so that Housewives don’t need to say a thing for the world to know that they’re rolling in dough. Thus, Monique can keep it zipped shut so we can be awed in private. And remember, you can’t buy class.
16. Gizelle Bryant, The Real Housewives of Potomac
“Jealousy is a wasted emotion.” That’s not Gizelle’s quote, that’s my mom’s. Jealously doesn’t accomplish anything and can make you look like a sour woman. That’s why it’s the perfect quote for Gizelle who seems to let jealousy get the most of her 99% of the time. It’s like the big elephant in the room — her shading everyone — especially at the reunion where she was quiet as a mouse when she should have put up a fight with Monique. Bye!