Just when you thought 2017 could not get any worse, we couldn’t even enjoy going out to the movies. Yes, Wonder Woman and Guardians of the Galaxy helped ease the pain of just how terrible 2017 really was, but barely.
Some movies were so bad it actually made us wonder who could possibly be greenlighting these projects? We’re mad they were made but even more upset that we spent money to actually see some of them. From Dwayne Johnson‘s comedic bomb to Jennifer Lawrence‘s confusing “thriller,” these are the worst 2017 movies…
Fifty Shades Darker
As long as these movies continue to be released, they’ll continue to make the ‘worst’ lists. We were perfectly fine allowing these stories to be a hit books series. Printed, we don’t have to see just how ridiculous the whole Fifty Shades series actually is. Unless, of course, our moms and aunts insist on telling us about their love for Christian Grey. When they were made into movies, it forced us to see billboards and commercials. No thanks. Thankfully though the last one hits theaters in 2018. Then we’re truly “freed”.
This is one of those cases where you have to wonder just how much money Hollywood has to waste. Seriously, they could have just recorded a group of five-year-olds playing with actual toy trucks for 10 minutes and it would’ve been more entertaining. One can only hope that there is absolutely no plans to make a sequel.
The Great Wall
It’s 2017 and we’re still having an issue with white people being cast in roles that should be for POC. The Great Wall caused a lot of controversy over Matt Damon‘s role. That caused it to do poorly at the box office. We’re not here for your cultural appropriation anymore, Hollywood!
Ghost in the Shell
Like The Great Wall, Ghost in the Shell also took a big hit from fans and critics for Scarlett Johansson landing the role. Many felt like it should have gone to an Asian actress, not another blonde haired, blue eyed one who didn’t need the job. She has Marvel movie, she’s doing just fine. Barely anyone saw this and those that did were not that impressed.
This pains me to say this because I am in love with Charlie Day, but Fist Fight deserved to be knocked out. It was one of those movies you awkwardly laugh through for an hour and a half or so. Ice Cube has proven he can act his butt off and do comedic roles, but perhaps he’s better when paired with Kevin Hart or Channing Tatum. Sorry.
Remaking old TV shows into movies is always a hit or miss. 21 Jump Street has proven it can be done in the right way, but almost every other one has shown just how wrong it can go. CHIPS was one of those. The first thing that’s a must when remaking a classic is that you have to get actors who are all the rage. Dax Shepard hasn’t been that cool since he was the most recognizable face on MTV’s Punk’d other than Ashton Kutcher. Secondly, you have to bring it with the funny in the trailers… CHIPS couldn’t even do that. Did anyone even see a trailer? That’s likely why no one even bothered to see a matinee of this one.
We’re about to go back on our word because we just said you had to have the hottest actors for it to be a success. Baywatch definitely did that. Plus, it had Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron shirtless. That was enough to ensure this wasn’t a complete bomb. BUT that was about it. Even getting cameos from Baywatch‘s elite like Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff didn’t pack theaters.
Emma Watson got to transform into one of the most beloved Disney characters with Beauty and the Beast, but she also well confused us with The Circle. It was a great concept that just fell flat. We wanted to love this movie that seemed like it was going to make us think about the world around us; Think about how much or often we’re being watched. Instead, we just sat there scratching our heads wondering why we were watching this damn movie.
Dear Tom Cruise, why don’t you retire? This isn’t to be mean but the dude peaked years ago. Also, we can’t get over the whole Scientology thing. All of that put together with the fact that no one in the world requested a remake of The Mummy made this one a loser before it even hit theaters. We’re praying Tom Cruise takes the hint and passes on any more movies from here on out.
The Emoji Movie
Had Pixar taken this on, we’re sure we’d be singing a different tune because there’s nothing that company can’t make interesting. They didn’t, so we’re not. Instead, we’re here to talk about the crime that was The Emoji Movie. Yes, a piece of poo is never not funny but did we need to put it in a movie AND make it talk? No. No, we did not.
We get that Amy Schumer lept onto everyone’s “She’s Absolutely Annoying” list in recent years. Whether you were on board that train before Snatched or not, pretty sure you get it now. I’m sure there are human beings out there who liked this movie. Maybe staunch Goldie Hawn fans? The rest of us, we didn’t care much about this mother-daughter comedy.
The Lego Batman Movie
When Hollywood sees success they run towards it with open arms. They also run towards it with scissors in their hand. The Lego Movie was amazing. ‘Twas a remarkable film that people of all ages loved. Everyone walked away from that movie holding something from it close to their heart. Be it the action, the humor or the lesson that even the ordinary can be extraordinary. We got very little of that with The Lego Batman Movie. Which sucked because we really wanted to love it, but when a movie makes you nap… that’s not a good sign.
Have you ever heard of that John Travolta movie where he lives in a bubble or Jake Gyllenhaal‘s actual Bubble Boy? Everything, Everything was a sappy romantic version of those that placed a girl in a bubble instead of a dude. Nick Robinson slayed in Jurassic World and will do so again in the highly anticipated Love, Simon next year, but Everything, Everything? It will remain a dud on his resume.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul
Diary of a Wimpy Kid, the book, was an absolute hit. Even the first three movies in 2010, 2011, and 2012 were fine enough. Unfortunately, the kids in the originals were going to grow up and get themselves replaced. And while there was a lot of room for the franchise to get better… not so much. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul wasn’t fine enough. It was BAD.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Many believe Pirates of the Caribbean shouldn’t have gone past two or three movies. While the Pirates franchise definitely outstayed their welcome, it was pretty tough to deny that Johnny Depp perfectly embodied Jack Sparrow. However, with the controversy considering his personal character, it was pretty tough to support ANOTHER insallment in this series. Also, Dead Men Tell No Tales as a movie, separate from the real-life stuff was plain bad.
Okay we’ll start with the good news: Wonder Woman/Gal Gadot is pretty much 2017’s biggest icon. Why wouldn’t she be? She’s phenomenal. We’re also big fans of Ezra Miller. That guy is cool.
The bad news is that anything Ben Affleck touches is basically poisoned and not even Gal could save it. For a franchise trying to keep up with powerhouse Marvel, they failed pretty miserably. It’s certified “Rotten” on Rotten Tomatoes and was panned by critics. Good luck next time, DC!
Mother! was one of, if not the, worst reviewed movies of the year. For good measure. It was a hot mess. Think of early ’00s Paris Hilton and then multiply that by early ’00s Nicole Richie and you still wouldn’t come close. In fact, Jennifer Lawrence said those reviews were part of the reason she and Darren Aronofsky broke up! It was supposed to be one of those ~deep~ movies that really made you think, but it found itself falling into some pretty lame tropes.