The day has finally arrived, my friends. Fifty Shades of Grey is out in movie theaters today. There are few ways today can go for you. If you’re a fan of the books, you’ve probably already seen the movie three times now. If you’re decidedly not a fan, you can grab some friends, have a few drinks and go hate-watch it. Or you can save your money and stay home reading scathing reviews. I’m going with that last option.
The movie currently has a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the general consensus seems to be that it’s really, really, really boring, but that Dakota Johnson actually saves it from being a total disaster. TWIST! I thought Jamie Dornan would be the saving grace, but what I’ve gleaned is that he sucks harder than Ana in the blow job scene that apparently wasn’t included. (SPOILER!)
Critics didn’t hold back on their snark in discussing Jamie’s performance, as well as other aspects of the movie, so I rounded up ten of my favorite tidbits from various reviews. You inner goddess will thank me.
“The initial conversation between Ana and Grey is rife with innuendo and conspicuous foreshadowing. ‘I’ve always been about people,’ he says. ‘I enjoy various physical pursuits,’ he says. Every line of dialogue is loaded. Loaded like a diaper.”
Ooh how fun, it sounds just like a Lifetime movie!
9. The New York Times
“Mr. Dornan has the bland affect of a model, by which I mean a figure made of balsa wood or Lego.”
How long before we can add Lego Christian Grey to our collections? He can come with a little plastic whip!
8. The Atlantic
“It doesn’t help that the Irish actor can manage only an intermittent approximation of an American accent. His native brogue is evident in the very first scene, and try as he might to choke it down, it keeps coming back up, like an elocutionary hairball.”
There are few things more awkward than listening to a foreigner struggle through an American accent. It’s like, “I know what you’re hiding under there. You’re not fooling anyone.”
7. The New Yorker
“Christian, supposedly the maestro of pain, can do little more than brush his cat-o’-nine-tails over Ana’s flesh with a feathery backhand. He looks like Roger Federer, practicing gentle cross-court lobs at the net.”
6. CBS Philly
“Bondage. James bondage.”
I just thought this was a funny play on words and wanted to share it with you. Carry on.
5. Star Tribune
“Shot in the manner of a ho-hum perfume commercial, ‘Fifty Shades’ takes itself all too seriously when it needs a healthy jolt of cynicism and irony. Watching it doesn’t inspire creative, naughty new romantic ideas. It torpedoes the libido and invites snoregasms.”
I don’t know which part I like better: “ho-hum perfume commercial” or “snoregasms.” I’m going to start working both of them into my everyday vernacular regardless.
4. Oregon Live
“What Christian calls the playroom is introduced portentuously, with a clicking lock, and looks like a really fancy stable, maybe where the Budweiser Clydesdales go to relax. ‘That’s a flogger,’ Christian says. He’s so helpful.”
I would prefer not to associate those adorable Budweiser commercials with this movie, thank you very much. Let’s keep it wholesome.
3. AZ Central
“But the real sadism arrives at the very end of the film, and it is breathtaking in its cruelty: the promise of a sequel.”
Whoomp, there it is!
2. Boston Herald
“Will shaggy-headed Cinderella get her Prince of Pain to learn to play nice? Will they ever have any chemistry? Hey, Home Depot: Expect runs on tape, rope and cable ties on Valentine’s Day.”
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone working in a hardware store during this trying time. You’ll get through this.
1. Birmingham Mail
“But if it’s some Iffy Shades of Beige that you want for Valentine’s Day, this is your movie – but don’t forget to take your own roses if you want some colour next to your cheeks.”
And the winner for best play on the movie’s colorful title goes to…