I’m sure everybody reading this already knows this, because they have their DVRs set and their white wine chilling, but The Bachelorreturns tonight. (Pause for high-pitched squeals of excitement.)
I know it’s not for everyone, and that it’s essentially scripted, and none of the couples make it, and blah blah blah, but I feel approximately zero shame in telling you that I love it. Granted, I watch it more as a car crash of the human psyche and less like a fairytale romance, but as a social experiment, it really can’t be beat.
Which is why I’m so devastated that its new star is someone I don’t care about! How am I supposed to rustle up interest in Chris Soules, Farmer King, whom even Andi Dorfman sent home without fanfare? I barely even remember the guy, which is a real liability for ABC and their ratings.
But you know what wouldn’t be a liability? If they had someone famous on. Think about it! There are so many celebrity dudes out there who don’t have the first idea of how to find a girlfriend, and I think we can all admit we’d watch that.
So here you go, ABC — this is me doing you a favor. Here’s a list of the top ten celebrity guys whom you should cordially invite to star on your show for free. You’re welcome.
10. Bradley Cooper
I’m aware that he’s currently ‘dating‘ Suki Waterhouse, but let’s get this man into a relationship where it looks like the two of them have touched before, yeah?
9. Zac Efron
STEP AWAY FROM MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ. And toward a bevy of beauties in floor-length gowns! You’re gonna love it here.
8. Ian Somerhalder
As of right now, he’s only really dated his female costars, so he could definitely use another place to meet ladies. Like a mansion in Hollywood?!?!?!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa don’t jump down my throat! Not because I’m interested in the guy, just so I can see what all the fuss is about, right on my television screen! He has to be doing something vaguely charming to get a song written about him by Selena Gomez, and I’m fixing to find out what it is.
6. Ryan Lochte
WOULD WATCH PLEASE DO. It would be a shitshow, yes…but it would be our shitshow.
Remember that time Leo pulled like twenty girls on his way out of the club? That’s the amateur version of The Bachelor, so why not come on up to the big leagues and let us watch, buddy?
4. Tim Tebow
Step one, make Tim the Bachelor. Step two, let Jana Duggar apply for the show. Step three, she gets on, the two of them fall in love. Step four: Jana escapes her family. It’s as easy as that!
My friend, you really must stop dating just girls that Chris Brown has already been through. We gotta get you into a new dating pool.
2. Chris Evans
We don’t always realize that Chris is attractive, because he spends so much time standing next to Chris Hemsworth or Tom Hiddleston, but he’s actually got some good stuff going on! He deserves some ladies’ full attention for once, don’tcha think?
1. Will Arnett
With that many women asking about his romantic past, he’s sure to let something slip about his marriage to and subsequent divorce from Amy Poehler. STAY TUNED.